God here…. Go out and be Every Girl

One thing I always list in my profile is my love for music

Today I received this song link by a man that has only ever read my profile

I was completely immersed in its message

When a song moves me, it’s not uncommon for me to listen to it 30+
times in the same day

Then I move on to finding more music by that band

Locating where their next concert will be held

And lastly by sending out song links to inspire my family and friends

I don’t just love music….I take it intravenously

This particular song is me

“She reflects the world in happiness
And echoes all the pain
Her smile’s the world of sunrise
And cries to make it rain
She’s a flighty good time buddy in the corner of the bar
But she’d fight the devil for ya just for being who you are
And she’s the last to cast a stone though she’ love to leave you mad”

It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time

My current personal struggle with who I am versus who I am not

This song tells me again so clearly that I am just exactly who I am meant to be

My personality is very intense….especially for me

My highs are so high…….When I’m there, I’m quite bulletproof and I
love spreading this to everyone around me.

My happiness comes with an extra dose of determination… contagious,
infectious and all consuming…

Then the inevitable crash comes…..like a nuclear fallout… an enormous
black cloud hangs over my head, threatening to suck in everything that
even accidently gazes in its direction.

During these times, I have taken people under with me…..sometimes many people

This lead to my insistence that I would hide myself away from the
world through the fallout

Disappearing from all that I’ve ever known for undisclosed periods of time

It reeks havoc on relationships, not to mention what it does to my own person

Last night was different

I took off the cover to the manhole and started to descend into the
darkness looking only at the black below I wanted so badly to envelope

From nowhere I felt an insane electric shock ripple through my body

It was My Mind

It had suddenly stepped in

An attempt to stop me?

I fought with it

My whole body wanting the sadness to sweep over it…

We must go away…

We must disappear…..

It’s necessary…so necessary….

It’s been too long…let us go

My mind whispered back gently….”we must let someone in”

My body tensed…..”but we have always retreated”

“Not tonight”…my mind gently coaxed

“I’m so very tired…just for a couple minutes” my body replied

“Grab your phone” my mind politely suggested

“There’s no one we want to talk to” my body protested

“Text these three people” my mind stated

My body hesitantly replied….

Hopeful for no response

The response unfortunately came

It was sad mixed with an overdose of lonely

Could it be that I am not alone in my want for darkness

Still looking downward, my mind spoke the response aloud

Another response was received

My mind again, stepping up and reading aloud

My body lifted its head and looking upward

“It’s not a hard climb back up, and I’ll stay here with you” my mind stated

My body looked down at the blackness and again upward

As if a silent debate were in process

“We are more together than we will ever be separate….and I am staying
up here”, my mind stated matter-of-factly

My body gave one final glance into the darkness and slowly looking
only forward started to ascend the ladder

The outside world again emerged

The mind and body reconnected

This entry was posted in abuse, motivation, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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